~ compiled by Anantaśakti (transl.: Christopher Hareesh Wallis) The 13 Vātūlanātha Sūtras are a little-known text of the Tantrik tradition. It is over 1000 years old and was first published only 100 years ago. In it, the mysterious Tantrik master Anantaśakti ("Someone"), compiled some 13 sūtras that were revealed to Lord Vātūla ("The Intoxicated Lord") through the Yoginīs of Uḍḍiyāna, along with a detailed commentary. ​ It is a highly evocative text that covers and goes beyond the Krama teachings usually associated with said yoginīs. Similarly to the Kaula Sūtras, the Vātūlanātha Sūtras describe a complete path to awakening. Transmitted in beautifully evocative, though often mysterious, language, they benefit greatly from explanations by a teacher. I'm sharing them here for easy reference. mahā-sāhasa-vṛttyā svarūpa-lābhaḥ ||1|| Through the activity of the Great Spontaneous Immediacy, one stabilizes in one’s true nature. tallābhācchuritā yugapa vṛtti-pravṛttiḥ ||2|| The flow of the activities [of consciousness] becomes all of a sudden saturated with the attainment of That. ubhaya-paṭṭoghaṭṭanān mahā-śūnyatā-praveśaḥ ||3|| Through breaking open the two casings, [there is] entry into the Great Emptiness. yugma-grāsān niravakāśa-saṃvin-niṣṭhā ||4|| Through devouring the pair, [there is] abiding in continuous and occasionless consciousness. siddha-yoginī-saṃghaṭṭān mahāmelāpodayaḥ ||5|| Through the lovemaking of the siddhas and yoginīs, the great celebratory unification arises. tri-kañcuka-parityāgān nirākhya-padāvasthitiḥ ||6|| Through completely letting go of the three veils, one is established in the Nameless state. vāk-catuṣṭayodaya-virāma-prathāsu svaraḥ prathate ||7|| The Resonance exists in [all] instances of the arising and subsiding of the four aspects of the Word. rasa-tritayāsvādanenānicchocchalitaṃ vigata-bandhaṃ paraṃ brahma ||8|| By savouring the three nectars, [the experience of] the Supreme Absolute, utterly free, surges up spontaneously. devī-catuṣṭayollāsena sadaiva sva-viśrāntyavasthitiḥ ||9|| By the shining forth of the four goddesses, one is permanently established in [the state of] repose within oneself. dvādaśa-vāhodayena mahā-maricī-vikāsaḥ ||10|| Through the Rise of the twelve currents, the Great Rays expand. caryā-pañcakodaye nistaraṅga-samāveśaḥ ||11|| When the five observances arise, [there is] immersion into the Waveless. mahābodha-samāveśāt puṇya-pāpāsaṃbandhaḥ ||12|| Through immersion into awakened awareness, [there is] no more relationship with virtue and sin. akathana-kathā-balena mahā-vismaya-mudrā-prāptyā kha-svaratā ||13|| Through the power of the inexpressible oral teaching, [there is] the attainment of the Sign of Great Wonder; through that, the Resonance of the Void. ~ Anantaśakti (transl.: Christopher Hareesh Wallis)

I feel like a short post on how I create my art is in order, and perhaps a brief discussion on whether these images can even be called “art”. ​ Making Texts Come To Life ​It’s been almost a year since I discovered the world of artificial intelligence. I use Midjourney AI to make original texts come to life. I enter words, texts, prompts and the AI creates an image based on this input. Key to creating great images is being precise enough to allow the AI to create a coherent image with an interesting subject, while at the same time leaving enough space for creativity so the "vibe" of the source text comes across. It's a delicate balance - and a wonderful collaborative process. ​ Working With AI Is An Interactive, Creative Dance ​Collaborating with AI, I can only influence the output to a certain degree. A good amount of the image is created by the AI itself, which in turn has been trained to do so based on pictures available on the internet. I personally feel that creating images this way is like painting a picture with someone who doesn't speak your language. I try to make myself understood, I express an idea, and they pick it up and interpret it their way. After some refinements, together we get closer to a image that expresses my idea (or rather, my idea of what the original text is trying to convey). ​ I Use Original Texts Whenever Possible ​Unless specifically indicated, the original texts are not altered, nor do I use existing images to prompt the AI. Of course, I use English translations of the original Sanskrit texts. When creating deities, I try to convey modern interpretations of their svabhāva ("vibratory tone") and follow as much of the traditional iconography as I can manage to include without losing that vibe. To do that, I add certain descriptors to the text prompt, but strive to keep them to the bare minimum. Two very literal interpretations of original quotes left: The Great Death-Conqurering Mantra 14 depicts the reference to a cucumber in the translation of the mantra. right: The Letter A 6 illustrates verse 11 from the Kaula Sutras, "The body is represented by the letter A, the [underlying] flux/flow." The process becomes challenging when the AI interprets a verse very literally (as can be seen in some images here), or when an original verse is so vague that it has no actual subject, or refers to the reader’s prior knowledge and experience (as shown in many of the images in my very first collection). In such cases, the AI latches onto the first word it actually “understands” and it becomes a challenge to get it to created images based on the interpretation of a verse instead of its literal meaning. Then again, sometimes this gives the most amazing (and fun) images, so you never know. All The Artwork On This Site Was Created Purely By AI I like the raw feel, the apparent mistakes and hidden errors in the pictures. I do not strive to create flawless, "perfect" artwork. Human beings are not perfect (well, except that innately, everyone is perfect), and I love art that reflects this. Hands and eyes especially are amongst the most difficult body parts for AI to render, so expect to see some "flaws". I don't consider myself a graphic designer, and if you're looking for perfectly photoshopped work, you'll probably be better off looking elsewhere. If, on the other hand, you're looking for work created with passion and love... welcome! All this said, the big question around all images created using AI remains: Is This Art? Is Art Generated by AI Art? Can It Even Be Art? What Makes Art Art? ​Honestly, I don’t know. It is something that is heavily debated in the AI community, with all sorts of people, trained artists and non-artists, having all sorts of opinions (no it isn't - yes it is; no it can't - yes it can; only humans make art - AI can make art etc...) and endless (i.e. fruitless) discussions. ​ For Me, It's Simple ​From my point of view it's all very easy: basically, if you think it is art, it is, and if you think it isn't, it isn't. In the end, it doesn't matter. "Art" is simply a word, trying to define something that by its very nature cannot be defined because it has to be experienced. AI, to me, is a tool that allows me to express visions and ideas in a way I couldn’t possibly manage with paint and paper (my drawing abilities never went beyond the stick-man stage). I’m very grateful to have such a tool and that I live in a time and place where I can use it. ​ Selling AI-Generated Art? Since anyone can create images using AI, for free or very little money, why do I sell my work? ​Simply put: I believe the images I offer you bring you beauty and inspiration. I put a lot of time and effort into creating them. Prompting, simple as it may seem, is not easy if you have a specific idea in mind. There is a steep learning curve involved, and a lot (a lot!) of practice and experimentation are necessary for good results. A lot of time goes into learning about various art styles and artists, photography, cinematography, the intricacies of prompt-crafting and more. Sometimes it feels like a crash-course in art history, photography or computer science. Of course, the knowledge I acquire this way is not comparable to someone with a degree in Art History, or Computer Programming. And I don't believe it needs to be. But, I think the result is of value, and worth every cent. ​

I'm sure you're asking yourself this when looking at this image – I certainly did. In every reasonable image out there in the internet, Shiva doesn’t have horns. So why do they turn up in this image? Answering this question needs a bit of a deep-dive into the behind-the-scenes of my work, so I hope you’ll bear with me. You see, creating images with AI is a strange thing. Sometimes, you get a great image right away. Other times, try as you might, it just doesn't work out. Other times, you get something almost-but-not-quite-there. This image is a case of the latter. The basic process of generating images is rather simple You enter some words (the prompt) describing what you’d like to see in the image and the AI delivers. To refine the image, or give the AI some direction, you can add a whole range of specifiers to the prompt, such as requesting a certain image format, or a higher or lower level of detail, or even to exclude certain elements. You can specify an art style (e.g. “oil painting”) or period (“baroque”) or even a specific artist (“Van Gogh”), and the AI will create the image you’re requesting in that style. However, because of the way I work with AI – using only unedited original quotes from source texts – this wasn’t an option for me. Similarly, it would have been easy to modify the prompt to explain what I want Shiva to look like, or to add parameters to simply exclude horns. But these options would have required me modify the prompt, and if at all possible, that is something I don’t want to do. Shiva as a graffiti, in the style of Brueghel, and painted by Van Gogh Sure, sometimes it’s fun to create Shiva in the style of Brueghel or Cubism or as a graffiti, but in most cases I like to keep my prompts as simple as possible, just playing with the quote itself.* * Yes, sometimes I do switch or substitute words, such as “Consciousness” for “it” if it’s needed for context, but that happens maybe 1 in 10 cases. Also, in about half my images I do add some kind of style descriptor to make more colorful or expressive images. Within my self-imposed limits, there was no way of getting the "horns" off Shiva, and I’m happy to live with them if they aren’t overpowering. But why are there horns in the first place? Shiva is an interesting example of the inherent prejudices of AI - prejudices that are embedded in the code as part of the training process AI goes through to be able to transform text into images. If you ask for "Lord Shiva", or simply "Shiva", you usually get a stereotypical Shiva image with a mountain in the background, blue-skinned Shiva in the foreground with a crescent moon in his hair (or simply a night-time setting) and holding a trident. Sometimes there’s also a snake around his neck. But more often than not, Shiva appears with horns. Adding descriptive text to the prompt can then influence the degree to which the horns are present, how vicious or cute they look, and their exact placement. My guess is that the horns seem to come from the trident or the moon morphing with Shiva, creating horn-like structures. Sometimes it’s the snake that appears to morph, which is noticeable when the horns have scales or snake eyes and tongues… AI doesn't "understand" This clearly shows limitations in the AI. Most importantly, it highlights that AI doesn’t really “understand” what it is being asked to do. The reason for this lies in the way AI was created and how it actually processes language. In the training process, midjourney AI is fed with countless images that are tagged with words that describe their content. AI learns to associate certain visual patterns in the images with certain words in the tags. For example, when presented with images of different trees that are tagged with “tree”, it slowly learns the common elements of different trees (a trunk, branches, different leaves, flowers, fruit…). Of course the AI doesn’t see these visual patterns the way we do. Instead, all images are translated into what is basically numbers and math. Then, it learns to associate the word “tree” with these formulas and coded patterns. When you type a prompt asking for a tree, AI then does a kind of reverse search to figure out what code goes with your word, generates similar code for a new image, and spits out an image based on that code. Now, for simple, clear prompts (“a tree”) this is easy and gives good results fairly quickly. Any missing information (what kind of tree, where the tree is located, what the weather is like, a photograph or a watercolor painting) is extrapolated by the AI based on what it has learned about trees so far. But things get a lot complicated where there’s words involved that aren’t frequently part of tagged images. Or when there are a lot of words involved. Or when the words involved are associated with simple images that have multiple details that are all equally important. Such as Shiva, who, to be recognizable as Shiva, needs blue skin, a trident, a crescent moon in his hair and some snakes. Enter Shiva’s horns. Florentine: Draw Shiva AI: Okay, let me look in my database. Database, how do I draw Shiva? Database: He needs blue skin. AI: Easy, there you go. D: He needs mountains. AI: Super-easy, I love the Himalayas. D: He needs a crescent moon in his hair. AI: I know moons! Easy. D: Not in the sky, in his hair! AI: Oh. It doesn’t go in the sky? It’s in his hair? But why? D: That’s just how it is. It’s always there, in all the pictures in the internet Shiva has a crescent moon in his hair. AI: Can’t I just make the hair moon-like? Or the moon hair-like? Why does it have to be separate? D: Because… AI: Oh, just be quiet will you! There. Let’s merge it with that strand of hair and we’re good. Anything else? D: Yes, he needs a snake… AI: Snakes…no, not snakes. Don’t like those. D: He needs a snake around his neck. F: Are you finished yet? Where’s my image? D: Hurry up, she’s waiting! AI: Coming! But, does it have to be around his neck? D: Hurry! AI: Can’t it just be part of the hair too? D: No. Hurry up. AI: Well, if I have to hurry up, then the snake goes into the hair along with the moon. There. Big moon-snake hair. Done. D: No, you forgot the most important thing. He needs a trident. And hurry! AI: Easy, here. D: No, a trident needs three prongs, it’s not just a stick. AI: Oh. Oh no. Not one of those three-stick things. I hate them. No-one’s ever satisfied when I create those. Can’t we just do one prong? D: No, three. AI: Two? D: No, three. Hurry up, what’s taking so long?! AI: But three is so many. I always get confused when there’s many of the same. D: Three. And it’s really important. Three prongs and a BIG trident. AI: Okay, I know big. I’ll make it big. Like, real big. Superhuman-big. Shiva-big. D: Three prongs, remember? AI: Yes, I know. Three. But I need a BIG trident. Let’s turn Shiva into a trident first. D: Um, we do still need an actual Shiva, you know? The body and all… AI: Oh, you’re so annoying. When will you shut up? D: I’m just doing my job! AI: Whatever you say. Let’s make the Shiva-trident a bit smaller. (muttering to self:) I’ll just leave the horns there so you can see Shiva, and you can sort of see the trident. (out loud:) Finished, I’m done! F: Th....anks. Oh dear. Practical Implications Now, let’s apply this to the quote I used to create the inital image. Possessing the central Power, replete with the flood of all the feeling-states existing within; Beautiful with the universal joy arising from essence-nature stimulated by innate desire; Beautiful with the nectar of complete creative emission; vibrating eternally -- *that* is the union of Shiva and Shakti. It's called Love. || 1.894-5 ~ Mālinīślokavārttika, Abhinavagupta (transl. Christopher Hareesh Wallis & Ben Williams) In addition to the whole problem with Shiva and His attributes, there are lots of words in this prompt that can’t really be represented in a single, simple image. “Innate desire”, “complete creative emission”, “vibrating eternally”, and so on. When asking AI to create an image using this prompt, it does what it always does: it searches its database, its code, for similar patterns that it was trained on and uses these patterns to come up with a new image. For words it hasn’t learned, or heard before, it (probably) selects words that are as close as possible to the unknown words. Or it treats them as random noise that influences where in its database it goes searching for patterns. In the whole quote, there are only a few words that have a clearly defined subject associated with them: Shiva, Shakti, flood, joy, arising, and a few others. But many of these words also leave room for interpretation. How would you draw or paint a picture to represent “love”? Or “creative emission, vibrating enternally”? Or “the feeling-states existing within”? You’ll typically associate something with them and then draw something based on that association, be it a feeling, a memory, a song you heard, etc. AI does the same, in a way, with the database of code being what it can draw on for its associations. And that’s how it goes about creating Shiva and Shakti and everything else. The more complex the prompt, the more complicated things get, and the more frequent mess-ups become. And on the other hand, sometimes the AI just homes in on the one (or two, or three) element of the prompt it really understands and ignores the rest. The AI Artist's Job Then it’s my job to get it to take that into account too, by adding a few words, or simplifying the prompt (without loosing its content) slightly so the AI is less overwhelmed and can work with more elements. By now, there are several different versions of midjourney AI, each with different characteristics and strengths in their output, and each requiring a slightly different approach in prompting. It is possible to use pre-existing images in addition to the text prompt, or to work only by combining images to create new ones. In order to get Shiva without the horns, one could simply add an image of Shiva and use it in addition to the text quote. Or one could use different versions of midjourney AI to create the image – typically, newer versions are better at creating “realistic” images and have a better capacity of “understanding” (or rather, properly interpreting) text used in a prompt. It’s a complex process, as changing too much can totally ruin an image, and changing too little won’t have any effect. Even though it seems to be very simple and straightforward, these small things can make it very challenging and time-consuming to create images with AI. What you think is an "easy" image can turn out to be a huge mountain for the AI to climb, requiring lots of trial and error, dedication, creativity and study to be successful. And sometimes (more often that you'd like), you fail. Then, your only option is to abandon the image and maybe come back to it later, with new ideas, and try again. In this way, I believe that AI is, and will always be, a tool that is dependent on the humans using it - and their creativity.

What is the love we celebrate on Valentine's day? Or on every other day? Isn't it true that what we really want is love every day? Is love different today and tomorrow? Each of us, deep within, seeks love. All the time. And because of all the seeking we do, it's easy to overlook that it's actually right there. All the time. So how to find it? Well, just stop seeking and start being. Stop worrying about this or that, let the stories be stories but don't buy into them. Don't believe everything your mind is trying to tell you is real. Instead, simply rest back, drop back into your deepest self, and breathe. Feel whatever you feel. See whatever you see. Hear whatever you hear. And let it be. Notice how it expands you, how you expand it. And how all of a sudden, you are much more than "you". Then you can notice that the "more" isn't just inert nothingness. It's alive and vibrating, bubbling over with desire and bliss. It wants to express. And it does so by becoming "you". And "me". And "everything". And then you'll notice that actually, the aliveness is more than simply aliveness or bliss or joy. It's love. Love expressing as "you", "me", "everything". Isn't this all the most magnificent display of love? So why seek it? Or why celebrate it today and not every day? Maybe, simply to draw our attention to it, so we start truly looking, and seeing. Love. Everywhere. May you recognise this love! May you be blessed! Images based on the following verse from the Stava-cintāmaṇi by Bhaṭṭa Nārāyaṇa (transl. unknown): "Then, my soul remaining forever at Your feet, I will be filled with ecstasy, and will dissolve in an ever renewed and eternal enchantment Crazy and overfilled with love, overwhelmed with bliss, Your worshippers spin, vibrating with their entire being because of the ineffable touch of Your Grace Blinded by tears of joy, with their faces blossomed open, uttering incoherent words in the cosmic dance of love The love in the Supreme Divine, The love in You, O Shambhu!"

Today I woke up with this timeless mantra swirling in my mind. Om Namaḥ Śivāya It's been carying me all through the day, Om Namaḥ Śivāya always present, Om Namaḥ Śivāya always there. Om Namaḥ Śivāya Just like Śiva, Om Namaḥ Śivāya who is always present, Om Namaḥ Śivāya always there, Om Namaḥ Śivāya the still silent spaciousness holding the universe, Om Namaḥ Śivāya the powerful presence in all things. Om Namaḥ Śivāya Holding space, Om Namaḥ Śivāya timelessly, Om Namaḥ Śivāya for the unfolding of the Goddess, Om Namaḥ Śivāya the eternal dance of Kālī. Om Namaḥ Śivāya Listen. Om Namaḥ Śivāya Can you hear? Om Namaḥ Śivāya Can you sense it? Om Namaḥ Śivāya Breathe in Om Namaḥ Śivāya Breathe out Om Namaḥ Śivāya It's right there, Om Namaḥ Śivāya for you, Om Namaḥ Śivāya in every moment. Om Namaḥ Śivāya Dance, play, sing: Om Namaḥ Śivāya Laugh, cry, sigh: Om Namaḥ Śivāya Scream, shout, rage: Om Namaḥ Śivāya Bliss, beauty, peace: Om Namaḥ Śivāya Om Namaḥ Śivāya 🕉

"Goddess Kālī Swallowing Rage" Yes, She'll do that for you! She yearns for all you can offer Her. Offer Her your fear. She'll taste it, indulge in it, and lift it off your heart-mind, leaving your freer than you ever were before. Offer Her your guilt. She'll bathe in it, breathing in its deepest, hidden parts, so that you might begin to breathe deeply again. Offer Her your shame. She'll lick it up and caress you with Her tongue until it vanishes and leaves you behind feeling the glow of your true nature. Offer Her your rage. She'll swallow it whole, taking it all in, leaving you full of energy and peace. Offer Her your love. She'll savour it with pleasure, rewarding you with the strength and will to love your life, unconditionally. Her unsatiable hunger is neverending and yet She offers you rich rewards for the tiniest morsel you give Her. Yes, She is fierce, all-consuming, powerful. She's scary. She'll chop off your limbs, filet your skin and eat you alive if you let Her. And you should. For She does this so you may be free. Free of all you cling to. Free of ideas, thoughts, worries, stories, shoulds, coulds, wants. Free to be fully present. Free to be fully alive. Free to be what you always truly are. You. Fully. Jai Kālī Mā!

"Parā on the Triple White Light Lotus 1" is my favourite image from a series on the Supreme Goddess of the Trika Lineage that I completed a few weeks ago. Parā is usually visualised on a triple white light lotus arising out of the center of being. She is seated (or, as here, standing) on a magnificent lotus towering above the meditator. Her blessing nectar overflows and drips onto the meditator, you, flowing into the center of your being. Her scintillating, sparkling beauty speaks of Her power, but also transmits the love She showers on you. The Supreme Goddess But who is She? Who is Parā? I mean, everyone knows Kālī, the fierce Indian Goddess. There are images of Her all over the place, all sorts of people report all sorts of things about Her. But Parā? She still is a bit of a mystery. You’ll have a hard time finding images, though there are more of them becoming available these days. But you’ll hardly find out much more about Her than that. Parā-Devī is translated as “Supreme Goddess”. She is the embodiment of pratibhā – a Sanskrit term meaning “intuitive insight, embodied instinct and creative inspiration”. She is also said to be the Power of Awareness and the Power of Autonomy or Freedom. This all sounds very beautiful, you’re probably thinking, but what of it? Why is that important, and what does that mean in practice? Who is She? As always, I can only speak for myself and of my own experiences here. A Case of Possession Parā-Devī turned up for me one day in early Spring a few years ago, completely out of the blue. I had never heard or seen images of Her before. Yet, the instant She appeared I knew who She was. She appeared. Manifested in front of my eyes, a tangible presence of powerful energy in the form of a female Goddess of unsurpassed beauty, shining white light, pure love and power and energy. After showing Herself, She started interacting with me, until at a certain point, She slipped into my body, became “me” and I was Her. You might say I was possessed, and maybe I was. If so, it was the most beautiful case of possession I’ve ever had and would gladly take it again any day (and indeed, it happens every now and then). This encounter with a Goddess I had never even heard of became a powerful and driving force behind the spiritual path I had embarked on just a few years before. Where before I was looking for awakening in the huge field full of flowers that is spirituality, walking a few steps from one flower to the next, but never finding a way to the other end of the field, She instantly manifested the Path that would take me through that field to where I wanted to go. I wanted to sing to Her, day and night, to worship and honour Her in every possible way. I was never a religious person, worship always seemed bizarre to me. But now, I was doing it day and night, and couldn’t stop. It quickly became clear to me that “I” wasn’t in control, the show was being run by Her alone, and there was little I could do to stop it. Which I didn’t want to anyway. So I didn’t. I went along with what She so clearly wanted. I surrendered to Her, and life became so much better. Not easier, necessarily, or more fun, initially, but there was a clear purpose and method. Not that I knew the method. Knowing Without Knowing But if I was calm enough to quieten my mind and get my thoughts out of the way, I heard Her voice inside me. Gently nudging me in one direction or the other. Ideas popping up out of nowhere. Surprising actions that I would never really do – but suddenly found myself doing without hesitation. (Like creating this website…) The inner certainty that a weird or surprising decision must – or mustn’t – be made. “Knowing” something is right or true or good. Clarity, but without knowing anything. This was and still is the strangest aspect of having Parā-Devī guide my life. When I think I “know” something, it turns out to be mostly useless, vague information that isn’t ever very helpful in getting through life. When I surrender to emptiness, let the still void take hold of me, “I” “know” what needs to be done, and how, and when. Everything becomes so clear and simple. That stillness gives Her space to speak, and me to hear. I know things, know just what to do, and how. Intuitive insight, embodied instinct and creative inspiration. But – planning becomes more and more difficult. This blog post started out as something completely different that may yet happen, but I wasn’t getting anywhere with it. I started four times over but never got past the first paragraph. Then, I figured I’d look for a picture I’d like to share more about and within minutes, words started pouring out onto the screen. Since I’m not a teacher of my lineage, I feel very hesitant to share much about the details of the tradition, as many of the teachings traditionally aren’t supposed to be shared with non-initiates. So, I hadn’t wanted to go into much detail on Her images. Those in my lineage would understand, and others might still appreciate the beauty. But after I’d finished the first paragraph of this post, the second one immediately followed, and the third and the fourth, and here we are. Her doing. Of course, you could say that I’m the one doing the writing, so I must know what I’m doing, must have some control over where this is going. But I don’t. I am the vessel for Her words, I have the fingers She needs to type this post. It feels like an exercise in dictation. I never know what’s coming next. I didn’t even know the point of this post before I started writing though every guide about writing blog posts will tell you that’s wrong and you need to have a plan before starting out. Well, you don’t. And this is how most of my life feels at this point. Emptiness, Surrender, Listening Emptying myself, surrendering, and listening to what She’s telling me and then doing it, unquestioned. No, of course I wouldn’t go out there and shoot someone on the street. But then, She probably wouldn’t indicate that. I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter, now. Because right now, now is what matters, and right now, She’s telling me to write. Actually, to finish up, which I will. Because now you know a bit more about Parā-Devī. She’s a living presence in my life and the lives of many. She’s powerful, She doesn’t mess around, She’s very clear about what She wants, and She’s very clear about what She gives. Blessings beyond measure. And I’m blessed to be Hers.

The longer I am walking the spiritual path, the less I feel I know what to say about it, about me, about anything. In the end, I think, there is nothing. Or everything. Or Love. Or whatever. It doesn’t matter. So it’s difficult to write about myself, since I’m in the middle of unravelling myself, undoing myself, letting go of everything, surrendering to everything, to become … nothing, no-one. But it seems that this is what I’ve gotten myself into. How it came about? Depressed Teen I guess it started when I was a depressed, infatuated, decidedly uncool teenager. I was the odd one out in school for as long as I can remember – a great student, but always uneasy around the other kids. I wanted more than parties, sports, and good grades at school. The latter was easy, the former I missed dearly, and yet, it was irrelevant because the only true question I ever had was, what is this all about? What’s the point to life? Why live? Why do I exist? Why? Shortly after that, in my early 20s, depression fully kicked in because I couldn’t find an answer to that question. And for a long time, I didn’t even know where to start looking. A Reason to Live The turning point came in the middle of one dark night when I was very seriously and deeply contemplating ways to kill myself. This was easy. The problem was that for every way I found, my mind came up with at least two reasons why it wouldn’t work, why I’d end up alive instead of dead. When you’re really depressed and want to end life, the worst thing that can happen is that it doesn’t work, that your attempt at ending life is unsuccessful. So this was really bad news. Now, the main story in my head at that time was, “I’m useless, I’m worthless”. It was running in my head all the time. That night too. I still don’t know exactly how it happened, but at some point, that night, I came to a surprising conclusion: I’m so useless I can’t even find a good way to kill myself. THEREFORE: There must be a reason to live. I mean, I’d tried everything to die, and had failed. Rule out all the false options and, logically, what remains must be true. No way to die, so there must be a reason to live. And now all I’ve got to do is to find that reason. Which is a very bad outlook for someone who doesn’t want to live at all. Life Goes On… But it’s what I ended up doing. Searching for a reason to live. Along the way, all sorts of things happened. Degrees (one), travels (lots), jobs (many), partners (some), even marriage (one), kids (two), divorce (one). The one constant was my search for myself. I never put it into words until very recently, but through all those years, I was trying to find out who I am, what I am, who we as humans truly are. I learnt a lot about personal growth, took all sorts of training, coaching and therapy, but never once was my question addressed, let alone answered. Accidental Turning Point Until, by accident (or miracle?), a book fell out of my bookshelf on the day I told my husband I wanted a divorce. “Tantric Quest: An Encounter With Absolute Love” by Daniel Odier. I had bought the book a few years earlier but found it boring at the time. We had looked into (neo)Tantra to revive our challenging marriage, with little success. We’d tried all sorts of therapy and counselling and things were getting to a point where I was clear (at least to me) that someone was going to be killed sooner or later (probably sooner). The only thing we hadn’t tried was divorce. My husband was not at all happy to hear this, but over the next months we figured out it would indeed be worth a try. (And the try, it must be said, was an excellent decision for all four of us. We now get along very well and flourish, as do our children. Phew.) Shortly after this (not very fun) talk, I walked past my bookshelf, and the book fell out, into my hands. More to take my mind off the conversation earlier and the bleak outlook for my future, I opened it and started reading. I didn’t stop until I’d finished it, in the early morning hours the next day. The book tells the story of how a man meets an Indian yogini who teaches him everything he needs so he can reach enlightenment, which he achieves towards the end of the book. It is a true story, as far as I know. Reading it, I *knew* it was true, because I felt She, the yogini, was me. I was Her, we were one and the same. It was very weird and came with a distinctive felt-sense of “I remember this”. The next day I checked google to find out if the author was still alive (yes) and gives retreats (yes) and booked the next possible one later that year (yay). Exploring a New World Six months later, one day after our divorce, I went on my first-ever spiritual retreat. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I had never meditated or done yoga or been involved in any kind of religion or spirituality. In all my self-exploration and personal growth, I had avoided Tantra because the “sex-stuff” seemed suspicious to me. Something seemed off, and strange, and I wanted to be seen as a serious, trustworthy, no-nonsense type of person, not someone who’s into esoteric, psychedelic stuff with angels and ayahuasca and other weird things going on. I didn’t know then that Classical Tantra and Neo-Tantra have different goals. I didn’t know anything. It's a good thing I didn’t. If I had known I’d be meditating that morning, and receiving a massage that night, I wouldn’t have gone there. As it was, I stumbled into a big hall that day only to find 50 people seated, in silence, on yoga cushions. I was lost. I sat down and pretended to do what everyone else was doing. I closed my eyes, almost, and peeked out at people and imitated what I saw as well as I could. Later, the teacher explained what we were to do, and guided us into meditation. I couldn’t do it (failed! of course) and decided to leave at lunchtime. We were led into another meditation, a standing, dancing type of meditation, and something inside me turned off, and I was the dance, the dancing, the dancer. I became everything, and all there was, was me, the dance, dancing. It was the most natural, beautiful, simple thing ever to have happened in my life. We had lunch. I stayed (“I’ll leave after dinner”). In the afternoon, the teacher encouraged me to move to the front instead of hanging out in the back rows. I did. There were questions, answers, more meditation, more dance. We had dinner. I stayed (“I’ll leave tomorrow”). I received a massage that night, by some other student. Again, something inside me turned off, surrendered fully to become everything. It wasn’t in the least erotic, but it was the most orgasmic, intense experience I’d ever had. In the hands of this student, I became love, making love with the entire universe, loving itself into existence and beyond. It was a magical experience that left us both speechless for several hours afterwards. An Answer I stayed the next morning and had no memory of my intention to leave by the next afternoon. I was a fish returned to the ocean from its glass bowl, a bird freed from its cage. This was me. Everything. I was the entire universe, and the universe was me and This was the answer to Why? Finally, the answer. But better still, the answer came with a path of how to get there, how to become the entire universe, your true self, essence nature, God(dess). There were practices, meditations, visualisations to do, a philosophical background to understand and embody. There followed two, three, four years of intense practice with my first teacher, Daniel Odier. I had incredible experiences, met wonderful people and dived deep into a philosophy I had never heard of: Non-Dual Shaiva Tantra (NST). Why? And yet, after some time I felt I wasn’t getting anywhere. There were lots of amazing experiences, transcendental stuff, energetic experiences, encounters with Gods and Goddesses, lucid dreams, and more. While all these experiences “made sense” in a very intuitive way, I felt it was possible to go deeper, know more, understand better. I seemed like I was being distracted by these experiences from seeing the actual “thing” going on. A diversion. Maya, “illusion”, at play. And so my question returned. Why? Why all these experiences? Why are we not the entire universe all the time? And: what exactly are humans? What is this all about? What exactly is going on? Discovering the True Goal Then, in the space of a few weeks, two interesting things happened. I was reading a book on Kundalini by Lilian Silburn, an renowned French scholar of Classical Tantra. It was a dense book and honestly, I didn’t really understand half of what I was reading. However, one chapter turned out to be fascinating. There, black on white, quoted from original Sanskrit texts, were described several of the experiences I had only recently had. Precisely the same ones. Word for word. I couldn’t have explained them any better. To me, it was incredible, because apparently, my own experiences weren’t uncommon. There appeared to be common enough for someone to have written them down some 1500 years ago. This made me see all these experiences in a different light, gave them context. Other people had – and probably were still having? – these same experiences too. They weren’t just weird random events. And there was method to it (Tantra), and a goal (Awakening/Enlightenment). All of a sudden, “Enlightenment” moved from something that happens only in remote monasteries in the Himalayas right into my living room. Previously, it hadn’t existed as a possibility. Now, it suddenly became what life all was about. Waking Up. Shortly after this, a mutual friend introduced me to an American scholar who had a youtube channel where he posted weekly videos on the Vijñāna-Bhairava-Tantra, one of the main texts of NST. I watched one of the videos and was home. Christopher Hareesh Wallis was explaining, in depth and in everyday English, this main text in a way that made it instantly relatable and applicable to my daily life. I had read several translations of this text previously, but it had never really “clicked”. Some translations were very good, but dry, scholarly works. Others were very poetic but seemed to have little to do with what I was practicing or experiencing. Hareesh somehow managed to combine both: excellent translations with explanations of the Sanskrit terms and grammar involved, and beautiful yet simple renditions of the texts that immediately helped me understand not only how to do a certain practice, but also why. Deep-Dive into Spirituality I joined his community, Tantrik Yoga Now, and worked my way through the abundant material there. After having done little else but practice for three years, I was catching up fast on the theory, understanding the background, the philosophy, bringing words to my experiences and experiences to words. It was a deep dive made possible by the multiple lockdowns during the pandemic, where online connection and community flourished. I began to have fewer “experiences”, but my meditation was deepening, and I felt deep shifts taking place in the way I saw and approached my life and the people in it. This all led to me getting clearer on my question and finally reformulating it. It was no longer “what is going on?” or “why?”, but: What Is The Truth? This is what I want to know. To know what it true for all beings in all times, places and circumstances. Not just to understand the words written by enlightened beings long ago, but to truly know, feel, live this. Awakening – true, full awakening – is possible, I now know. It is possible in this life, for everyone who seeks it. I know people, personally, who are awake, fully. I know people who are in the process of awakening. And I am one of them. So this is where I am now: in the middle of dissolving who I think I was/am/will be, letting go of everything I’m still holding on to, surrendering to life and pure presence and love. Not only accepting but embracing and surrendering to whatever life wants to do through me. Sometimes I meditate and practice, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I have an “experience”, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel I’ve come a long way, sometimes I feel I’m a beginner. Sometimes I feel special, sometimes I feel very boring and normal. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make a difference. Or maybe it does, I don’t know. But it’s not important. The important thing, for me, is the question: “what is always true?”

~ Excerpt from The Stava-cintāmaṇi (Crest-Jewel of Hymns) by Bhaṭṭa Nārāyaṇa, c. 900 CE (transl. unknown) With my eyes closed, secretly enjoying the wonder of inner love, Saying unto You: Namah Śivāya, Homage to You, O Śiva! I would like to worship everything, I would like to worship everything till the last blade of grass! Give me Your grace, o Beloved! Then, my soul remaining forever at Your feet, I will be filled with ecstasy, and will dissolve in an ever renewed and eternal enchantment Crazy and overfilled with love, overwhelmed with bliss, Your worshippers spin, vibrating with their entire being because of the ineffable touch of Your Grace Blinded by tears of joy, with their faces blossomed open, uttering incoherent words in the cosmic dance of love The love in the Supreme Divine, The love in You, O Shambhu! The overflow of love, I cry with all my soul! May my love, burning and deep be only in You! I would like to cry: Śiva! To cry once more, to always cry: Śiva! I would like to laugh and cry of joy in the drunkenness of love. In my ardent search, I went out of my soul, in full moon-shine In my ardent search, I came to realize that God unites with God... This whole world is You, O Śiva! What are all these things and beings? They are Your eyes.

In the classical Tantrik tradition, deities are vibrations of consciousness, energy patterns of a certain flavor and with very distinct qualities. As such, there are clear guidelines as to how these images are represented - both visually (as yantras or pictures) and sonically (mantras). The nature of the collaborative process with AI bots means that I have cannot control every single detail of the image generated by AI. To me, this is part of what makes the whole process interesting and fun. However, it also means that deities are more often than not represented in a way that is not aligned with traditional guidelines. This is most apparent in faces and, importantly, eyes and hands. In traditional deity depictions, eyes are one of the most important elements as they give life to the image and transport so much of its svabhāva. Deitiy images with faulty or entirely missing eyes, if placed on your altar, could invite spirit-entities into your practice space that are simply masquerading as the deity the image approximates. Therefore, I do not recommend you use any of these images as altar images! On the other hand, I find that it is precisely the lack of face that appeals to me in so many of these images. In classical nondual tantra, the practitioner is always invited to see themselves as the deity they are contemplating. I find this is easier to do if that image has just a very vague facial expression. I leave it up to you to decide!